I felt dizzy today. I never get dizzy, I get nauseous, quite often, in fact. It comes from a place beyond my body, I won’t say my spirit but in that vicinity, and it travels inward and out at the same time. It tells me I might not be living, that part of me, a large part of me, is dead. And I walk around as this semi-corpse as if nothing is wrong and I say all the appropriate things and do all the necessary things even as I feel the need to vomit out disgust, (not despair) closer to rarefied revulsion, on my fellow passengers in our postcard voyage toward doomsday. And then I say why bother, it would just be a waste of fluids. Then I might eat a peach or tickle myself, or get to bed and steel myself against the impending darkness. I don’t have actual nightmares, but instead the dullest dreams imaginable that make me believe hell must be elongated boredom, an eternity of waste, a state of neither pain nor pleasure nor feelings, and I must in the dream scream to get me out of this place. Of course, nobody hears me, mainly because everyone else is screaming the same thing, all silently in an orchestra of futility. The bars in my dreams are made of paper, yet I can’t leave, for some reason, I cannot relieve my sickness, my nausea. It is as if I were born to it, and I must survive. And always coiled in an anger that I do not discharge. I should have been…I think…I always thought I should have been a killer, maybe for profit, a gangster. a hitman that everyone admired for his smooth delivery. I imagine there must be a sweet cessation of pain at the point of murder for the giver as well as the getter and I could have taken either side enthusiastically. Kill or be killed. I would be comfortable in. Alas, it is too late for that! I am too old to whack anyone. And what follows in this confession? (It is bad form, after all, to inform that one hides a killer’s heart.) Let me add that I could blow away the human race in one breath if incited. I am a human atomic bomb. I should not be trusted with the Nuclear Code. As for this prevailing spiritual desolation, it is apt to inquire into a remedy, no? Is there one? People live with incurable illness all the time and do not resort to violence. It is perhaps a test of machismo that makes me think I can do the same. All manner of disturbance can be regulated to the degree that it is bearable. Most of us inhabit a frontier space between sickness and health. anyway. I might just be entertaining a mild cold as far as spiritual sickness is concerned. I might just get over it, in some future life, perhaps. Suck it up. As they admonish in the military. Am I that weak that I can’t take a spell of spiritual desolation? Do I have the right to whine as a civilian? Yes, the questions, yes, the recriminations that go on, that never end, that latch onto each other like train cars, with no answers, no solutions, no sense. Until I realize the absurdity, that nothing is answerable, that our lives are made up of only question marks, not even periods, other than death, and the realization makes me laugh and laugh and laugh, and I am still laughing when I have my fatal heart attack.
While having lunch
At a delightful patio
I noticed beside me
A little birdy walking the ground
Searching for handouts.
Unfortunately, I had none to offer.
This bird suggested to me this situation
May be reversed one day.
I tried to make a sculpture of you,
Cutting away bit by bit
From the stone
Until you were not there.
Why ordinary Germans became killers
During the Holocaust is something
I have thought about.
There are books on the subject.
There are a number of reasons.
There are probably as many reasons
as there were killers.
What is certain is it takes a certain mindset
To be capable of murdering indiscriminately
Humans you don’t know, have never seen,
Have nothing personal against.
Yes, there was a process of brainwashing,
But one does not brainwash an adult quite
One does not excise the emotions and conscience
Of adults to this degree in such a short time.
Everyone knows one must demonize
It happens in all wars, always has.
Except that the ordinary German killers managed to murder
Large numbers of humans up close, often face to face, often
mothers and fathers holding their infants, any of whom were
Never a threat to them personally.
That requires a true lapse of empathy.
What could they have been thinking, feeling, seeing
When they looked later at their own children?
It has been shown that empathy is inborn, those who
Lose it become aliens, sociopaths.
Are we to believe that ordinary Germans were either of these?
Are we to believe they were robots?
Are we to believe that we would not be capable of these same acts?
Many hate hate
Many love to hate
Many more love
Is hate an absence?
Perhaps it is a force
Equal to love,
It elevates those who hate,
It consolidates them.
Their muscular spirits
Laser in over a target
It matters not who or what
But that it be destroyed,
And to no end
Other than the act,
And what results
Is cried over
But not understood.
Do we hate the hater?
Which causes more hate.
Hate is as old as the earth
Itself. It is survival,
No one will destroy it
No one will change it.
Everything man stands for.
Hunger indicates lack.
Hunger for anything, really,
Tells us we are incomplete,
Our anxiety requires some state
In order to be at ease.
Unease is the root of invention,
The cause of civilization.
But humans hunger
For what result?
And then on to the next
And so it goes in constant
Religion assuages some
Love can too.
Yet the heart of this matter
Is even more mysterious:
We hunger to cast off
Our human form,
Someone else, something else.
Transformation is the end game.
We are sick of being human,
We have exhausted our possibilities.
The grim spring of my old age
April May is a time to be born and
I sit there like a plant expecting the sun to shine
in the rain..
Where to find comfort in this world? My mother
died long ago. I should dig her up. I should
hold her close. I remember the comfort I
felt on her lap driving down the street, cars splashing us.
Maybe if I still smoked cigarettes. The first drag
and I was a baby again. Just thinking about
it made me start to cough.
Maybe comfort is too much to ask.
You would have to be on a permanent drug-high
for that. Then what? I should become religious
and put it into Jesus’s hand. Let Him do the
What I need is a job where I can help people. Help
them what? Be as dissatisfied as I am? I am hardly
a model for others. I resign.
I am looking outward, which always
causes glare. I am going to have to look inward.
There is no home inside. All the rooms are vacant, dusty,
the smell of old paint, the wind thru broken windows
blowing newspapers around, hinges creaking.
It is like listening to a baby crying without stop for something.
Just need blaring away like a siren. And there is no answer.
Nobody is home. Nobody gives a shit.
The baby will eventually stop crying.
At my age (72 and a half), there isn’t much room for the future.
Whoever thought I would get to half that number?
I should be grateful for a full and pain-filled life.
But here I am complaining. I do that well.
I can complain about anything at any hour.
I highly recommend it. It is rather cleansing.
He sings like a demon on fire
He moves like a wildcat in heat
When he stands still he can even make the women weep
So give reign to your pain and your anger
Get up and throw off your blues
Get a monkey to befriend you
You’re right to say you’ve paid your dues
I don’t remember the man I used to be
Now I’m tired but I’m nearly free
I never look in the mirror
I don’t even want to see
Something coming up around the corner
Get a jump on me
Yes I can feel it in my ears
All I can say is I don’t want it to be
Something more than a tragedy
To all my friends in a tree
Singing your songs for me
You give me heart you bring me ecstasy
I try so hard
I try so hard
I try so hard to love you
I try so hard to live with you
I try so hard to know you
I do not know you
I cannot rule you
I am blue not gray
I am just made that way
I will just fade that way
The lamp’s down low
How low will it go
Into the dark
Our natural space
Our silly place
I try so hard
To win the race
To end the race
I try so hard
To find my place
I want to be inspired
But inspiration hides under a pile of soiled clothes.
I want to be in demand
But I’m not the man I used to be.
I want to be completely me
But I don’t know where I permanently stand on anything.
I want to do what I’ve forgotten to do
But I can’t remember what that is.
I want to be on a tropical twist with A.
But she has her obligations.
I want to get back all the wasted time
But it’s time I stopped trying to do that.
I want to be free
But from what and for what?
I want to be able to love unconditionally
Everyone everything even myself.
I want to want something,
I mean really want like I’m on fire for it.
Despite these wishes, I’m a reasonably happy person,
Which I don’t ascribe to all the drinks and dope.
The wide blanket that covers it all,
I have a heart for you.
The dream has always been
to ride the skin that is your game,
The sad markings thrown away.
In any climate I make a vow:
I will not change my quest for you,
Your lullabies that bring on sleep.
I leave my gift at your doorstep.
I have no more appetite for loss.
This pales before your promises,
The great defeat of unhappiness
That trails along a cool white sheet
With whispers down an avenue.
Between your pear-like breasts
I lay my head
I lay aside my childish scorn
In you I will be torn
Outside of time and flesh,
An exquisite Nothingness.
You are always there
In the glare and in the dream.
From your constant womb of white
The perfect crown of a perfect life
You beckon to watery steps
With an air of indifference,
Or down into the arms of earth
Where we relinquish our flimsy truths
Of the noises that were us
The stances and the spasms spent
You open your legs to this.
It is your fragrance that overcomes
In the dream I have seen
Your lipstick is reminiscent:
I am afraid.
Outside of myself I watch myself
In my drugged state
Tethered to another life,
A weaker life,
You fade, removed page by page.
Over oceans of time,
I am clear
It is another day:
I watch the sun rise.
Finger friends, your shapes inspire me
To write an opera
About how you have made
My life a dot easier.
But I won’t because
You are just
Crumpled up paper
Between my fingers.
He huffs and he puffs and he blows
The house down
He sings for his supper
He’s a rare clown
He has a girlfriend who hates him
She has good reason to
She calls him a transparent fake
And a certified Jew
Not a juggler or philosopher
He ever was
Not a lover of the lofty life
That was just buzz
He always salts his beans
and peppers his hair
He comes on time
And pretends to care
But he doesn’t really want
To save the world
That’s just a line
If the truth were told
He has a crush on Satan
Not a thing for Christ
He calls himself an agnostic
Unless it’s a bad night
He’s been a con-man forever
Never held down any job
He’s done time for nearly everything
And has no connection with the mob
Though you’d never suspect it
He has a tender side as well
He blows kisses to the moon
From his apartment in hell
His childhood was rather lazy
Though it’s gotten sort of hazy
His family was middle-rung
His mother was slightly crazy
His father was a barber
Who liked his steaks rare
His mother was a janitor
With a big pile of hair
As a boy he always played
On the wrong side of the track
As a girl he always played
With the leader of the pack
Then came the crash
In his late teenaged years
The suicidal mission
The solitude and fears
That landed him in the middle
Of a psychological ward
With old people who slobbered
While they played cards
This was just the place for him
To chill out and think
This was just the place for him
To get fat and pink
The doctors had the cure
For the illness in his head
Stringy food and pills
Yellow green and red
Which cheered him so much
He slowly exploded
Into the next century
All arsenic coated
He eventually straightened out
His curves and his kink
Went straight for the bottle
And started to drink
The years have not always been kind
to this boy
The poisons that he swallowed
The means he had to employ
To keep right on going
The measures he took
Were not easily come by
Were not found in a book
If it all works out in the end
It’s too soon to tell
He’s not dead yet
And he’s close to being well
What is true for certain is
That he’s paid his dues and some
What is less sure is why
He didn’t turn around and run
There isn’t much to gain
By beating a dead horse
There isn’t much left
Besides dying of course
Whoever may want to take a lesson
From this saga and this man
Might just as well forget about it
As fast as they can