DIGITAL WIDOWER

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,

My life is hell. My girlfriend loves her computers more than she loves me. She would rather be sitting in front of her screens –she has TWO in her office- than beside me, holding my hand. I feel like a digital widower.

D. W.

Dear Digital,

Has the world lost its mind? Have humans crossed the frontiers of sanity? These are rhetorical questions, but I must answer them nevertheless : Yes and Yes! Two screens! I can just see her head bobbing from one to the other like a loco chicken eyeing techno snacks, so that she can forget about her hombre for a while.  She sounds to me like a sadistic witch who is bent on transforming her love interest into a lonely, bitter man.

I don’t know what she does on her computer. If she is chatting, well, most of the weaker vessel do that, they were born to it, don’t you know? It comes with millions of years of nudnicking their hunting husbands about how tough the carcasses they have brought in are compared to their next-cave neighbours’ husbands’ meat trays.

Girls will be girls, after all. But If she is onto more nefarious activities, like searching out female porn websites, the heck with her. Put a stop to it! You don’t  want  her comparing equipment with the chunks we can peruse these days. Be a man! Wrestle her to the floor and show her what’s what. In any case, don’t let the b…..  flush you too far down the toilet. Get a hobby.

Get a life!

DON'T SEND FLOWERS TO MY HOUSE

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,


What is the etiquette when someone sends you an e-mail to congratulate you on some accomplishment. I get so many of them that I hardly have the time to reply. Is it a mortal sin not to do so.  Thank you in advance for your reply.


Sally Watson

Dear Sally,

What do you think? When someone compliments you on anything in life, it is only natural to thank the person who gives it. That exchange goes together like milk and cookies. Why wouldn’t it also apply to an e-mail? When someone compliments me I always compliment them back.

For instance, when someone tells me how great my advice is, I will usually counter with something like, “Why, thank you. And I think you have good posture.” Or I will point out that they too could give advice and that they only need to get a good typewriter.

I think that you should answer each and every e-mail you receive, otherwise people might think that you have passed away and start sending flowers to your house. You say you don’t have time. I bet you have time to powder your cheeks in the morning. It hardly takes longer to write an e-mail.  Don’t be lazy. Lazy people end up in a very warm place in the afterlife. Good luck and get busy.

I THINK RESOLUTIONS ARE IMPORTANT

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,

Well, the new year is upon us, Ron. Do you have any resolutions? If you do, how long do you think it will be before you break them…  lol?

Jester

Dear Jester,

I have made one resolution, that is the one I make every year: to be a kinder, gentler person. So far I have been doing alright, but that is probably because I haven’t spoken to anyone since January 1.

I think relolutions are important. They make us think about summoning our will power, rising to the occasion, and reaching for our goals. They give us purpose, solidify this purpose and give us solidity. For the solid, they provide even more solidity. For the less than solid, they are a source of strength.  For the fragile, they are a challenge. For the challenged, they are a motivation. For the motivated, they are an even greater motivation. For the wicked, they are a reason to do good. For the good, they may be a reason to do better. For the best, they are a prod to do better than best – give 193 % rather than only 192%. For all of us, they are resolutions.

A wise Irishman I met one spring day at a hop remarked to me, “Mankind must resolve to march, and once marching to go on marching as long as possible.”  He then suited action to word, and strode around the table until he collapsed. Whenever the new year is upon us, I always think of his red face.

Happy New Year to all my readers, and AVANTI!

MY WIFE SNORES LOUDLY

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,

I am in a delicate situation. My dear wife snores LOUDLY!!! Lying beside her is not unlike occupying trackside seats at the Grand Prix.  She is so sensitive and ladylike in her manner otherwise that I have never been able to break it to her gently for fear of of ruffling her feathers. She would accuse me of lying, or worse, confusing her with someone else I have slept with.

It has landed me in an awkward situation as you may well imagine. I love her but I just can’t bear my middle- ear crackling like tv. static all night long. Please don’t talk to me about earplugs. I have tried them but they always end up up my nostrils or in other orifices before I can drift off.  I have begun to twitch uncontrollably of late because of the stress. How to find relief, O Wise One?

Twitchy

Dear Twitchy,

Have you ever considered murder? Just a touch of rib-tickling there, Suffering One. I think I know why the good Lord gave females the ability to produce sound: It is to make it improbable for their husbands to get in a word edge-wise, even while the they are asleep.

One method I have tried with some success with my own better-half when she is making a racket on her back is to take hold of her nose, pinching it so that she cannot breathe, forcing her to open her mouth wide to suck up any available 0xygen. It calms the din.

Of course, one must keep right at it if she is not to close it again and bring on a renewal of her “music”, which is counterproductive if one is to get any decent sleep. You might try clothespins. Clip one on to her under lip and see what happens.  My last resort would be to plant sand bags around her head and dig yourself under a hard pillow.  Throw down a substantial dose of Ambien as well to make certain. Good luck and keep me abreast of the developments.

I hope this helped

HOW TO WEAR YOUR TUQUE

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,

This falls into the fashion category.  When I wear my tuque I am not sure whether the label should be at the back or at the front.  I have tried both, but always fear that it is at the wrong place, which makes me lose the concentration I need to try to find a decent job.  Where do you think it should go?

Label Me Worried

Dear Label Me Worried,

I  myself never wear a tuque for the simple reason that you never know which side is front and which is back and you always tend to make a fool of yourself. I will have to look that one up in order to answer your question.

I am back. With an excellent find: an organization that seems to know everything there is about  them. One of the tidbits of fact that I gleaned from them is that “tuque” is not a good name for the hat because it is too hard to spell, so they want to change it.

As far as the label problem is concerned, I could not find the answer there to it. Of course, you could always try wearing the label on the inside, which may stun some people at first, but then you might,  who knows, start a craze if it catches on.

If you wish to get creative, why not just get a very large sock to pull down over your ears?  Socks don’t usually have labels affixed to them, so you would be safe. But please do not choose to don one of those those wiggy things with the two strings and attached pompom  at the top that tries to project the image of a thin-brained creature who is visiting our planet from afar.

Good luck on this, and on finding a rewarding job.

MAYBE YOUR PANTS DON’T BREATHE

RON’S WISDOM SALON: A fictional advice column

Dear Ron,
I have a kinda sticky problem. If I am in my car, driving for at least a half hour at a stretch, my behind gets very hot, to the point that I begin to feel like what I imagine an egg must in the process of getting hard boiled. It does not feel too great I can tell you. What can I do about this other than to stop driving?
Baked

Dear Baked,

I have pondered this considerably and have come up with a possible explanation. Your trousers. Maybe your pants don’t breathe sufficiently. Or maybe your underwear is too tight. Try clothes that enjoy breathing.  Cotton is an option.
Otherwise, I would keep the window wide open, and elevate your backside from time to time to invite air contact. One cheek at a time is a good way to do it, rotating each to get maximum contact for about thirty seconds, but carefully watching the road at the same time. Good luck and rotate responsibly.

PARADISE

What on earth do they do there? Ok. You have women, wine, and song? Now is this constantly? You had one woman, you go to another. You can become the playboy of your dreams. Fine. That might work for how long?  awhile?  OK. I could take that. Then there’s  the wine part. We already know that too much wine makes you need to hang around the toilet bowl the next day. Are there toilet bowls in heaven? The song? Well how many really good songs are there? If you are staying there eternally, you’re bound to run out. And who decides which songs will be played? Some angel probably. What if you don’t get along with an angel? Can you request another?  They always talk about it being like a garden. Well, I now live a couple of blocks from a huge beautiful  public garden. But I’ve gone only a couple of times. Then they say there are lakes. I like a good lake as much as the next guy, but how long can you swim? Is there fishing allowed? Who says how many fish you can catch? The angels, right? I’d rather be near an ocean and surf. I’m sure there are people who would like to ski. So let’s say that it would leave a lot to be desired. But paradise has to be perfect. Everyone is always happy.  It’s peaceful. There is no pain. Excellent. Why not just take drugs?

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