LIFE WITH YOU

You are the blood in my every thought and motion

The essence of my dream

Your voice echoes softly in my sleep

You are the morning star to me

Your face is round and pretty

A mask of the sun

Even if I am almost over

I have only just begun

Our love has not been easy

The way has been obscure

We tried so many times to undo

What we were never sure

The future is your forté

You pursue it like a bitch

Will we go together

Into that abyss

Is this just a dream of love

Is it really real

Can I ever express to you

What I really feel

My heart is so weary

My mind is so upset

Though I have no regret

For what hasn’t happened yet

Will we meet again one day

On that special hill

And play again like children

Which we were once well

If not

It is just as good to be old with you

And mope and rub away our aches and pains

Many times or few

And have a word with you

As you go here and there

Tearing up the scenery

While I stay in the square

You know time is relentless

It takes you for a ride

Remember that beach we knew

Remember that morning tide

I wish us together there

In the early air

We join the endless ocean

Beautiful and fair

Our love means more than

Days and nights

Our lives are not just

Bits and bytes

Come

It is already light

Please

I don’t want to fight

DON’T BUY SHAMPOO IF YOU’RE BALD

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,

Sometimes I think that I am wasting my life. I have this anxiety that I should be doing something with my life, but I am never able to decide what that “it” is. Maybe writing to you will show me the light. Sorry if this is too vague.

Existential Ed

Dear Ed,

You certainly wrote to the right person.  I spent the morning checking the oil quality on various body parts.

Let me pick out some words you employ:  “Wasting. Anxiety. Vague.”  Waste, according to the dictionary can mean many things.( They always list five or six meanings of one word which is annoying . I will go with number three. “To fail to use…” )

Are you failing to use something? Let us say you have a key that you never use. Well, you are wasting that key. It might be for a lock you don’t have  anymore. What should you do in that case? Throw the damn thing out, of course, or give it away as a gift.

Let us say you have shampoo and you are a bald person. Stop buying shampoo. It is a waste. Get the picture? But –and this is a pretty big but- I think I am hearing from you that you are wasting time. Okay. You can’t throw time in the garbage, can you? Or stop buying it. What you can do is to use it. Use it to do something. Get up in the morning and give yourself an objective for the day. Go to the toilet. Have a cracker and some marmalade.

Help someone out. Be a volunteer. That is always satisfying. Knock on your neighbour’s door and offer to do his dishes.  Don’t take no for an answer. If you see a lady carrying a purse that is probably heavy, offer to take it off her hands. You would be surprised at her reaction. Don’t let her give you anything back either. If she objects, just smile and insist.

You mention anxiety. Don’t let her anxiety throw you off. All people are a bit shy about speaking to strangers. At first. Once she gets to know you, it will be different. And never be vague. Tell them exactly what to want to do.  Say, “I want to polish your car.” Or better yet, find their key, get right in the driver’s seat and tell them that you will take them around town.

I hope you are catching on. Once you get home at night you won’t feel like you have been wasting your time at all. Let me know how it all went.

YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO STRETCH YOUR CAP

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,
My problem fits into the fashion/hair category. I love my cap and I love to wear it constantly in the winter. What happens is that every time I take it off when I arrive somewhere I notice that my hair is flat. It throws my haircut which is giving me all manner of grief.  Do you think I should give up my cap or make peace with my ruined haircut?
Larry

Dear Larry,
My first question to you is: why do you take your cap off at all? You could resolve the issue by just keeping the cap on the whole time, and that way people would not have to witness your flat hair. All the boys are doing it these days, haven’t you noticed? It is “in”, the thing to do. The world is starting to resemble a Passover dinner or the inside of a dugout. You would look fashionable and maybe even meet new people in the process. Try it and let me know what happens.

Dear Ron,
I thought of that, but find it poses a problem of its own. If I wear the cap inside, my forehead starts to heat up causing a band of perspiration to form and eventually drip down onto my nose, making me have to  take the cap off to expose my ruined haircut.  Please! Sometimes I feel like the gods are against me.
Larry

Dear  Larry,
The dripping part is unfortunate.  Couldn’t you fit a little Kleenex in there to sop up the dampness? By the way, of what religious persuasion are you? I don’t know of many with more than one God.

Dear Ron,
The “gods” comment was just hyperbole I used to express my malcontent with my pesky situation.  I mean if there were more than one god, would they really have the time to get together to form a conspiracy against me, Larry? I am not that paranoid, but I am in despair about the cap/haircut problem. Your suggestion that I use Kleenex may be good, but what happens if it falls out and into my soup, for example.  I think I would feel awful if that happened.  It would then pose another problem, wouldn’t it? Would I be able to continue eating my soup?
Larry

Dear Larry,

It would depend on how tasty the soup was initially, but yes, I do get your point. Larry, there are times in the lives of men when a man must do what a man must do: I am sorry to have to tell you this but you are just going to have to stretch your cap. It can be done. Ask any haberdasher. It’s called “propping.” They can push it out so that your hair will have enough room to relax. Good luck and if you dare, let me know how your hair fares.

I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED MEATIER ARMS

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,
I have always wanted meatier arms, and now I am finally getting them.  But now that I have them  I want more!  Am I being greedy?
Meat  Lover

Dear Meat Lover,

I am supposing that you will probably never be satisfied with your arms. I say that because it is like the person who has only known poverty all his life, and then one day he gets some money and it makes him feel better about himself. But soon he wants to feel even better and he thinks by accumulating more resources he will. Of course, once this ball gets rolling, it doesn’t stop, and the person finds out that he can never really be satisfied.
Tolstoy once wrote a story called “How Much Meat Does A Man Need” (or something quite close to that) in which a person begins by ordering a smoked meat sandwich in a deli, after  which he is still hungry, and so he orders another, and another, and he just keeps going, wolfing down the meat rabidly.
Eventually the short-order guy is getting a sore arm making the sandwiches and tells the customer maybe a little fish would be a better choice. But the customer is so fixated on his meat that he rejects the cook’s advice. Eventually, the cook, walks out of the kitchen with a sling on his arm and begs the customer to end his meal. The customer agrees to this on the one condition that the  cook tell him where he can purchase a cow.
Do you see where this is going? I hope you would agree that Mr. Sandwich has gone overboard. My best advice to you is to be satisfied with the degree of meatiness of your arms and don’t make a pig of yourself.

TOILET MISERY

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,
I don’t wish to be rude, but I just have to know. How often is it normal to push food out from the bottom end? In my situation, I am spending lots of time on the hoop. I go like there is no tomorrow. Even my toilet is fed up with me and wishes I would leave it alone. I got that message because it is not flushing properly and probably feels it is being overworked.  Am I overreacting?
Toilet Misery

Dear Toilet,

“Defecate” is the proper verb for the function you are referring to. Make a note of it. The words you use to describe it are excessive. Okay. Numbers? I have never pondered this question before. It does not often come up in conversation.Let me take a walk around the house and consider your inquiry.

I am back. The number I came up with is one or two, once after breakfast and possibly once after lunch.  If you are squatting more than that, chances are you are eating too many busy foods. Have yourself some rice sticks, these will keep your door solidly in place.

This should help, and if it doesn’t, see a medicine man.

SURVIVAL AND SOME

He huffs and he puffs and he blows
The house down
He sings for his supper
He’s a rare clown

He has a girlfriend who hates him
She has good reason to
She calls him a transparent fake

And a certified Jew

Not a juggler or philosopher
He ever was
Not a lover of the lofty life
That was just buzz

He always salts his beans
and peppers his hair
He comes on time
And pretends to care

But he doesn’t really want
To save the world
That’s just a line
If the truth were told

He has a crush on Satan
Not a thing for Christ
He calls himself an agnostic
Unless it’s a bad night

He’s been a con-man forever
Never held down any job
He’s done time for nearly everything
And has no connection with the mob

Though you’d never suspect it
He has a tender side as well
He blows kisses to the moon
From his apartment in hell

His childhood was rather lazy
Though it’s gotten sort of hazy
His family was middle-rung
His mother was slightly crazy

His father was a barber
Who liked his steaks rare
His mother was a janitor
With a big pile of hair

As a boy he always played
On the wrong side of the track
As a girl he always played
With the leader of the pack

Then came the crash
In his late teenaged years
The suicidal mission
The solitude and fears

That landed him in the middle
Of a psychological ward
With old people who slobbered
While they played cards

This was just the place for him
To chill out and think
This was just the place for him
To get fat and pink

The doctors had the cure
For the illness in his head
Stringy food and pills
Yellow green and red

Which cheered him so much
He slowly exploded
Into the next century
All arsenic coated

He eventually straightened out
His curves and his kink
Went straight for the bottle
And started to drink

The years have not always been kind
to this boy
The poisons that he swallowed
The means he had to employ

To keep right on going
The measures he took
Were not easily come by
Were not found in a book

If it all works out in the end
It’s too soon to tell
He’s not dead yet
And he’s close to being well

What is true for certain is
That he’s paid his dues and some
What is less sure is why
He didn’t turn around and run

There isn’t much to gain
By beating a dead horse
There isn’t much left
Besides dying of course

Whoever may want to take a lesson
From this saga and this man
Might just as well forget about it
As fast as they can

MY BOYFRIEND THINKS I’M TOO HAIRY

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,

My boyfriend had a “Brazilian” and now he teases me for being too hairy. Am I too hairy?

Goathead

Dear Goathead,

Be proud of your fur.  Some of the best people are hairy. Think of Jesus. The man never took a haircut, or if he did, it is not mentioned.

I for one enjoy a hairy woman. They are easier to hold onto, and hairy people have ape-like qualities that I admire. Whoever said that human skin should resemble glass? Give me a tuft here and there any day.

That said, I must comment on this boyfriend of yours. I have looked up  “Brazilian” on Wikipedia and learned that it is when a human has his pubic hair shaven away. The name , I understand, comes from the habit of young Brazilians who must shave their downstairs beards so that they can look good in their bikinis on Brazilian beaches. Look. Whatever heats your toast.

Maybe your boyfriend is an avid beach loafer and is looking ahead to the warmer months. Or he gets tired of scratching that mangle of follicles he has covering his jewels and said to himself one day, “Let me be free of bugs!”

To this, I would remind him that we all want to be free of the presence of the little ones, but not everybody thinks murdering  their body hair is the way to go. There is, after all, something called bug spray, or simply washing oneself on a daily basis which can wave the wand.

But truth be told, Goathead, I think this Brazilian stuff has much deeper roots (no pun intended).  I think your man must have something of the Alien about him. Think about it. Have you ever seen an Alien with a beard. Chances are they have no pubic hair either. There is something that tells me that your boy buddy no longer wants to be part of us and is hankering for another club to join. Why not dump the ingrate and find a real man to snuggle up to?

I hope this helped.

DIGITAL WIDOWER

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,

My life is hell. My girlfriend loves her computers more than she loves me. She would rather be sitting in front of her screens –she has TWO in her office- than beside me, holding my hand. I feel like a digital widower.

D. W.

Dear Digital,

Has the world lost its mind? Have humans crossed the frontiers of sanity? These are rhetorical questions, but I must answer them nevertheless : Yes and Yes! Two screens! I can just see her head bobbing from one to the other like a loco chicken eyeing techno snacks, so that she can forget about her hombre for a while.  She sounds to me like a sadistic witch who is bent on transforming her love interest into a lonely, bitter man.

I don’t know what she does on her computer. If she is chatting, well, most of the weaker vessel do that, they were born to it, don’t you know? It comes with millions of years of nudnicking their hunting husbands about how tough the carcasses they have brought in are compared to their next-cave neighbours’ husbands’ meat trays.

Girls will be girls, after all. But If she is onto more nefarious activities, like searching out female porn websites, the heck with her. Put a stop to it! You don’t  want  her comparing equipment with the chunks we can peruse these days. Be a man! Wrestle her to the floor and show her what’s what. In any case, don’t let the b…..  flush you too far down the toilet. Get a hobby.

Get a life!

DON’T SEND FLOWERS TO MY HOUSE

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,


What is the etiquette when someone sends you an e-mail to congratulate you on some accomplishment. I get so many of them that I hardly have the time to reply. Is it a mortal sin not to do so.  Thank you in advance for your reply.


Sally Watson

Dear Sally,

What do you think? When someone compliments you on anything in life, it is only natural to thank the person who gives it. That exchange goes together like milk and cookies. Why wouldn’t it also apply to an e-mail? When someone compliments me I always compliment them back.

For instance, when someone tells me how great my advice is, I will usually counter with something like, “Why, thank you. And I think you have good posture.” Or I will point out that they too could give advice and that they only need to get a good typewriter.

I think that you should answer each and every e-mail you receive, otherwise people might think that you have passed away and start sending flowers to your house. You say you don’t have time. I bet you have time to powder your cheeks in the morning. It hardly takes longer to write an e-mail.  Don’t be lazy. Lazy people end up in a very warm place in the afterlife. Good luck and get busy.

I HAVE A DREAD OF DOORS

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,


My problem is with doors. When I approach a public doorway, I never know which door to take because there are often several leading to the same place, and I panic. Will it be the  large door, the smaller one beside it, or the  revolver?  There is also the problem of deciding if it is a “push” or a “pull”, and even when these are marked  it is usually not clearly visible and mistakes are made.  Is there a way I could be more decisive about my exits and entrances?


Door Dread

Dear Door Dread,

I usually go for the one that seems the most  friendly, but it’s not always the right choice. This is not an easy question. Have you thought of going “eeny-meeny?”  That would take it out of your hands and put it on the shoulders of chance, and you could then try to court the gods of Chance in some ritual by leaving them nightly fruit so that they will be on your side.


The push/ pull thing I totally agree with you about.  Can’t these door makers get it right for once?  Make the words bigger for Gordon’s sake.  There is the added confusing factor there in that both push and pull begin with the same first two letters, so people will need to exercise vigilance, but at least the alert ones will get the hang of it sooner or later and not have to do that annoying double-jerk maneuver each time, which always causes embarrassment and consternation.


For instance, a gentleman of my acquaintance was with a lady and wanted to open a door for her as would be expected. Well, they approach the door and he pulled when he should have pushed with so much force that he dislocated his shoulder in the process, causing him to begin gesticulating wildly and whinnying to the point that the young lady had to swallow a tranquilizer. Needless to say, it put him in a poor light, and never again would the lady answer his phone calls. He is now in therapy because he cannot approach a public door without getting a skin rash. I wish you the best of luck in mastering your door dilemma.

I THINK RESOLUTIONS ARE IMPORTANT

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,

Well, the new year is upon us, Ron. Do you have any resolutions? If you do, how long do you think it will be before you break them…  lol?

Jester

Dear Jester,

I have made one resolution, that is the one I make every year: to be a kinder, gentler person. So far I have been doing alright, but that is probably because I haven’t spoken to anyone since January 1.

I think relolutions are important. They make us think about summoning our will power, rising to the occasion, and reaching for our goals. They give us purpose, solidify this purpose and give us solidity. For the solid, they provide even more solidity. For the less than solid, they are a source of strength.  For the fragile, they are a challenge. For the challenged, they are a motivation. For the motivated, they are an even greater motivation. For the wicked, they are a reason to do good. For the good, they may be a reason to do better. For the best, they are a prod to do better than best – give 193 % rather than only 192%. For all of us, they are resolutions.

A wise Irishman I met one spring day at a hop remarked to me, “Mankind must resolve to march, and once marching to go on marching as long as possible.”  He then suited action to word, and strode around the table until he collapsed. Whenever the new year is upon us, I always think of his red face.

Happy New Year to all my readers, and AVANTI!

MY WIFE SNORES LOUDLY

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,

I am in a delicate situation. My dear wife snores LOUDLY!!! Lying beside her is not unlike occupying trackside seats at the Grand Prix.  She is so sensitive and ladylike in her manner otherwise that I have never been able to break it to her gently for fear of of ruffling her feathers. She would accuse me of lying, or worse, confusing her with someone else I have slept with.

It has landed me in an awkward situation as you may well imagine. I love her but I just can’t bear my middle- ear crackling like tv. static all night long. Please don’t talk to me about earplugs. I have tried them but they always end up up my nostrils or in other orifices before I can drift off.  I have begun to twitch uncontrollably of late because of the stress. How to find relief, O Wise One?

Twitchy

Dear Twitchy,

Have you ever considered murder? Just a touch of rib-tickling there, Suffering One. I think I know why the good Lord gave females the ability to produce sound: It is to make it improbable for their husbands to get in a word edge-wise, even while the they are asleep.

One method I have tried with some success with my own better-half when she is making a racket on her back is to take hold of her nose, pinching it so that she cannot breathe, forcing her to open her mouth wide to suck up any available 0xygen. It calms the din.

Of course, one must keep right at it if she is not to close it again and bring on a renewal of her “music”, which is counterproductive if one is to get any decent sleep. You might try clothespins. Clip one on to her under lip and see what happens.  My last resort would be to plant sand bags around her head and dig yourself under a hard pillow.  Throw down a substantial dose of Ambien as well to make certain. Good luck and keep me abreast of the developments.

I hope this helped

HOODIES LOWER IQ

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,

I have a problem with my hoody. The cords always come uneven, which is driving me crazy. Any suggestions?

Cord Crazy

Dear Cord,

First of all, you shouldn’t be wearing a hoody. It puts too much weight on your neck, which drags energy from your  brain and lowers I.Q. Plus when you are in a hood it is like being in a vault and nobody can see your ears, which may cause prejudice on the part of future employers and prevent you from ever finding a job to support yourself and your family. You are likely to wind up in poverty and destitution.
If you are willing to chance that outcome, I would advise you to stare straight ahead at all times, not allowing your eyes to fall on your uneven cord tags, convincing yourself, all the while, that they are  hanging  perfectly equal.

I hope this helped.