TOILET MISERY

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,
I don’t wish to be rude, but I just have to know. How often is it normal to push food out from the bottom end? In my situation, I am spending lots of time on the hoop. I go like there is no tomorrow. Even my toilet is fed up with me and wishes I would leave it alone. I got that message because it is not flushing properly and probably feels it is being overworked.  Am I overreacting?
Toilet Misery

Dear Toilet,

“Defecate” is the proper verb for the function you are referring to. Make a note of it. The words you use to describe it are excessive. Okay. Numbers? I have never pondered this question before. It does not often come up in conversation.Let me take a walk around the house and consider your inquiry.

I am back. The number I came up with is one or two, once after breakfast and possibly once after lunch.  If you are squatting more than that, chances are you are eating too many busy foods. Have yourself some rice sticks, these will keep your door solidly in place.

This should help, and if it doesn’t, see a medicine man.

MY BOYFRIEND THINKS I'M TOO HAIRY

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,

My boyfriend had a “Brazilian” and now he teases me for being too hairy. Am I too hairy?

Goathead

Dear Goathead,

Be proud of your fur.  Some of the best people are hairy. Think of Jesus. The man never took a haircut, or if he did, it is not mentioned.

I for one enjoy a hairy woman. They are easier to hold onto, and hairy people have ape-like qualities that I admire. Whoever said that human skin should resemble glass? Give me a tuft here and there any day.

That said, I must comment on this boyfriend of yours. I have looked up  “Brazilian” on Wikipedia and learned that it is when a human has his pubic hair shaven away. The name , I understand, comes from the habit of young Brazilians who must shave their downstairs beards so that they can look good in their bikinis on Brazilian beaches. Look. Whatever heats your toast.

Maybe your boyfriend is an avid beach loafer and is looking ahead to the warmer months. Or he gets tired of scratching that mangle of follicles he has covering his jewels and said to himself one day, “Let me be free of bugs!”

To this, I would remind him that we all want to be free of the presence of the little ones, but not everybody thinks murdering  their body hair is the way to go. There is, after all, something called bug spray, or simply washing oneself on a daily basis which can wave the wand.

But truth be told, Goathead, I think this Brazilian stuff has much deeper roots (no pun intended).  I think your man must have something of the Alien about him. Think about it. Have you ever seen an Alien with a beard. Chances are they have no pubic hair either. There is something that tells me that your boy buddy no longer wants to be part of us and is hankering for another club to join. Why not dump the ingrate and find a real man to snuggle up to?

I hope this helped.

DIGITAL WIDOWER

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,

My life is hell. My girlfriend loves her computers more than she loves me. She would rather be sitting in front of her screens –she has TWO in her office- than beside me, holding my hand. I feel like a digital widower.

D. W.

Dear Digital,

Has the world lost its mind? Have humans crossed the frontiers of sanity? These are rhetorical questions, but I must answer them nevertheless : Yes and Yes! Two screens! I can just see her head bobbing from one to the other like a loco chicken eyeing techno snacks, so that she can forget about her hombre for a while.  She sounds to me like a sadistic witch who is bent on transforming her love interest into a lonely, bitter man.

I don’t know what she does on her computer. If she is chatting, well, most of the weaker vessel do that, they were born to it, don’t you know? It comes with millions of years of nudnicking their hunting husbands about how tough the carcasses they have brought in are compared to their next-cave neighbours’ husbands’ meat trays.

Girls will be girls, after all. But If she is onto more nefarious activities, like searching out female porn websites, the heck with her. Put a stop to it! You don’t  want  her comparing equipment with the chunks we can peruse these days. Be a man! Wrestle her to the floor and show her what’s what. In any case, don’t let the b…..  flush you too far down the toilet. Get a hobby.

Get a life!

DON'T SEND FLOWERS TO MY HOUSE

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,


What is the etiquette when someone sends you an e-mail to congratulate you on some accomplishment. I get so many of them that I hardly have the time to reply. Is it a mortal sin not to do so.  Thank you in advance for your reply.


Sally Watson

Dear Sally,

What do you think? When someone compliments you on anything in life, it is only natural to thank the person who gives it. That exchange goes together like milk and cookies. Why wouldn’t it also apply to an e-mail? When someone compliments me I always compliment them back.

For instance, when someone tells me how great my advice is, I will usually counter with something like, “Why, thank you. And I think you have good posture.” Or I will point out that they too could give advice and that they only need to get a good typewriter.

I think that you should answer each and every e-mail you receive, otherwise people might think that you have passed away and start sending flowers to your house. You say you don’t have time. I bet you have time to powder your cheeks in the morning. It hardly takes longer to write an e-mail.  Don’t be lazy. Lazy people end up in a very warm place in the afterlife. Good luck and get busy.

I HAVE A DREAD OF DOORS

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,


My problem is with doors. When I approach a public doorway, I never know which door to take because there are often several leading to the same place, and I panic. Will it be the  large door, the smaller one beside it, or the  revolver?  There is also the problem of deciding if it is a “push” or a “pull”, and even when these are marked  it is usually not clearly visible and mistakes are made.  Is there a way I could be more decisive about my exits and entrances?


Door Dread

Dear Door Dread,

I usually go for the one that seems the most  friendly, but it’s not always the right choice. This is not an easy question. Have you thought of going “eeny-meeny?”  That would take it out of your hands and put it on the shoulders of chance, and you could then try to court the gods of Chance in some ritual by leaving them nightly fruit so that they will be on your side.


The push/ pull thing I totally agree with you about.  Can’t these door makers get it right for once?  Make the words bigger for Gordon’s sake.  There is the added confusing factor there in that both push and pull begin with the same first two letters, so people will need to exercise vigilance, but at least the alert ones will get the hang of it sooner or later and not have to do that annoying double-jerk maneuver each time, which always causes embarrassment and consternation.


For instance, a gentleman of my acquaintance was with a lady and wanted to open a door for her as would be expected. Well, they approach the door and he pulled when he should have pushed with so much force that he dislocated his shoulder in the process, causing him to begin gesticulating wildly and whinnying to the point that the young lady had to swallow a tranquilizer. Needless to say, it put him in a poor light, and never again would the lady answer his phone calls. He is now in therapy because he cannot approach a public door without getting a skin rash. I wish you the best of luck in mastering your door dilemma.

I THINK RESOLUTIONS ARE IMPORTANT

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,

Well, the new year is upon us, Ron. Do you have any resolutions? If you do, how long do you think it will be before you break them…  lol?

Jester

Dear Jester,

I have made one resolution, that is the one I make every year: to be a kinder, gentler person. So far I have been doing alright, but that is probably because I haven’t spoken to anyone since January 1.

I think relolutions are important. They make us think about summoning our will power, rising to the occasion, and reaching for our goals. They give us purpose, solidify this purpose and give us solidity. For the solid, they provide even more solidity. For the less than solid, they are a source of strength.  For the fragile, they are a challenge. For the challenged, they are a motivation. For the motivated, they are an even greater motivation. For the wicked, they are a reason to do good. For the good, they may be a reason to do better. For the best, they are a prod to do better than best – give 193 % rather than only 192%. For all of us, they are resolutions.

A wise Irishman I met one spring day at a hop remarked to me, “Mankind must resolve to march, and once marching to go on marching as long as possible.”  He then suited action to word, and strode around the table until he collapsed. Whenever the new year is upon us, I always think of his red face.

Happy New Year to all my readers, and AVANTI!

MY WIFE SNORES LOUDLY

RON’S WISDOM SALONA fictional advice column

Dear Ron,

I am in a delicate situation. My dear wife snores LOUDLY!!! Lying beside her is not unlike occupying trackside seats at the Grand Prix.  She is so sensitive and ladylike in her manner otherwise that I have never been able to break it to her gently for fear of of ruffling her feathers. She would accuse me of lying, or worse, confusing her with someone else I have slept with.

It has landed me in an awkward situation as you may well imagine. I love her but I just can’t bear my middle- ear crackling like tv. static all night long. Please don’t talk to me about earplugs. I have tried them but they always end up up my nostrils or in other orifices before I can drift off.  I have begun to twitch uncontrollably of late because of the stress. How to find relief, O Wise One?

Twitchy

Dear Twitchy,

Have you ever considered murder? Just a touch of rib-tickling there, Suffering One. I think I know why the good Lord gave females the ability to produce sound: It is to make it improbable for their husbands to get in a word edge-wise, even while the they are asleep.

One method I have tried with some success with my own better-half when she is making a racket on her back is to take hold of her nose, pinching it so that she cannot breathe, forcing her to open her mouth wide to suck up any available 0xygen. It calms the din.

Of course, one must keep right at it if she is not to close it again and bring on a renewal of her “music”, which is counterproductive if one is to get any decent sleep. You might try clothespins. Clip one on to her under lip and see what happens.  My last resort would be to plant sand bags around her head and dig yourself under a hard pillow.  Throw down a substantial dose of Ambien as well to make certain. Good luck and keep me abreast of the developments.

I hope this helped