A HOLE IN ME

There is a hole in me that can’t be filled

I try to stay alert to everything in there

I stuff myself with pleasure

I disengage from pain

I stand in the rain 

                                                                                              

The hole I realize is an illusion

I realize this with a deep breath

That a fine hand is guiding me

Somewhere

I don’t care where

Only that it is away from

A hole that can’t be filled

UNBREAKABLE

You’re unbreakable, little girl.

I see it in your eyes

as you tell your story

of the ordeal endured

of a hell almost

incomprehensible,

Satanic ritual abuse.

Blood, murder, humiliation

foisted on you by your grandmother

no less, Nana and her ilk

for their god, Lucifer.

We call a lot of things suffering,

but this is beyond the pale

even in this day of the extraordinary.

The human will cannot be broken.

You’re unbreakable, little girl.

I’m glad to see this in your eyes.

UNTITLED

C’mon baby
Take me where I need to go
C’mon baby
Take me down real slow
 
Had so much trouble in this town
It never leave me alone
Had so much of nothing
Nothing never lets me go
 
It’s getting cold out there
Need to find a place to land
I’m broken and used up
Gotta find a silky hand
 
I got no future
Got no past to tell
Get close to me baby
Let me drink from your well
 
We could make it together
Live in the same old tree
Could be birds of a feather
Sure wish you’d agree

I CAN’T GET UP

I’m stuck
I’m stuck I can’t get up
I’m stuck I’m in between
I can’t formulate a theory
I won’t take a stand
I’m stuck like a balloon in a tree
And no one is coming to get me
Motion escapes me
My angels forsake me
I am just about ready
And I don’t know what for
It has come to this and this takes
The cake
I’ve been educated I once held a job
They told me I was alive
I really believed it
I had a past
I wanted things
I could tell the difference between things
I could see colors
I had plans
I believed I could perfect myself
I was curious about everything
God the nature of the universe
My place in the picture
Now I’m stuck
In rage in savagery
In ignorance and solitude
The world is so solid
Freedom is so far away

UNTITLED

He sings like a demon on fire

He moves like a wildcat in heat

When he stands still he can even make the women weep

So give reign to your pain and your anger

Get up and throw off your blues

Get a monkey to befriend you

You’re right to say you’ve paid your dues

I don’t remember the man I used to be

Now I’m tired but I’m nearly free

I never look in the mirror

I don’t even want to see

Something coming up around the corner

Get a jump on me

Yes I can feel it in my ears

All I can say is I don’t want it to be

Something more than a tragedy

To all my friends in a tree

Singing your songs for me

You give me heart you bring me ecstasy

I TRY

I try so hard

I try so hard

I try so hard to love you

 

I try so hard to live with you

I try so hard to know you

 

I do not know you

I cannot rule you

 

Fact

 

I am blue not gray

I am just made that way

I will just fade that way

 

Now

 

The lamp’s down low

How low will it go

 

Into the dark

Our natural space

Our silly place

 

I try so hard

To win the race

To end the race

 

I try so hard

To find my place

I WANT TO BE

I want to be inspired

But inspiration hides under a pile of soiled clothes.

I want to be in demand

But I’m not the man I used to be.

I want to be completely me

But I don’t know where I permanently stand on anything.

I want to do what I’ve forgotten to do

But I can’t remember what that is.

I want to be on a tropical twist with A.

But she has her obligations.

I want to get back all the wasted time

But it’s time I stopped trying to do that.

I want to be free

But from what and for what?

I want to be able to love unconditionally

Everyone everything even myself.

I want to want something,

I mean really want like I’m on fire for it.

 

Despite these wishes, I’m a reasonably happy person,

Which I don’t ascribe to all the drinks and dope.

A WORD WITH GOD

I wake up in the morning
To nothing much at all
I let it all go thru me
I don’t have much recall
 
The never changing noises
The total disrespect
For any real advancement
And all the same neglect
 
Like black men sitting in prison
Many innocent of crime
The others that did it
Obliged to make a dime
 
I wish I could make things happen
I wish I had the balls
To overthrow the status quo
Escape privilege once and for all
 
I want off this merry-go-round
With all the drugs and lies
From the evening pundits
In their shirts and their ties
 
But I’m just a good Jewish boy
Did everything I was told
By books and parents
Who really were quite old
 
I’ll deal with defeat in heaven
If everything goes well
I’ll be right up in front
Sounding a big brass bell
 
I’ll kiss all the angels
Give them each a rose
Convince them to relocate
Buy them some street clothes
 
If there is a God sitting there
I won’t say a word
I won’t betray my bitterness
About which I am not cured
 
I imagine He’ll just nod and wink
And drink up His usual praise
Coming thru the Intercom
From churches in a haze
 
What do they expect from me He”ll ask
What do they think I can do
About all their pain and unhappiness
Their problems not a few
 
I’m just a dude with a good job
I got it long ago
I was elected President
In a world I do not know
 
I’ve been to hell and back
I’ll tell Him steady and straight
It was quite a ride for sure
It makes me want to hate
 
And now you’re in heaven you think
With the man Himself
I guess you want an autograph
To place on your shelf
 
No I don’t think so I’ll retort
I never thought You great
For being so full of yourself
In everything You state
 
You made humans the way we are
That really wasn’t smart
We’re just a bunch of insane beasts
From the end and from the start
 
I think you made a mistake He’ll say
You came to the wrong place
You need to go next door I think
The Devil’s in that space
 
Blame blame is all You know
I’ll tell Him with a sneer
It’s always the other guy
It’s always the one You fear
 
Fear in what You bank on
Fear is what You need
To keep Your fans writing cheques
While they continue to bleed
 
Your fans don’t even know who they are
They only know their names
You need to make them need You
To referee their games
 
Why don’t You tell them the truth of it
Tell them they can be strong
That they don’t have to get on their knees
To live well and get along
 
Then what would I do up here He’d say
I would be all alone
No more droning prayers to hear
No more messages on my phone
 
The fact of the matter is
I’m not getting any younger
Don’t have the energy anymore
To satisfy anyone’s hunger
 
Still people want to dream I guess
Of an afterlife one day
They cannot handle the alternative
That they must just decay
 
Should I destroy the illusions
That keep some men afloat
In a world they cannot tolerate
In a world without hope
 
To these very words
I wouldn’t know what to say
Illusions may be all we have
To keep the world at bay

FATAL ATTRACTION

The wide blanket that covers it all,

I have a heart for you.

The dream has always been

to ride the skin that is your game,

The sad markings thrown away.

In any climate I make a vow:

I will not change my quest for you,

Your lullabies that bring on sleep.

I leave my gift at your doorstep.

I have no more appetite for loss.

This pales before your promises,

The great defeat of unhappiness

That trails along a cool white sheet

With whispers down an avenue.

Between your pear-like breasts

I lay my head

I lay aside my childish scorn

In you I will be torn

Outside of time and flesh,

An exquisite Nothingness.

You are always there

In the glare and in the dream.

From your constant womb of white

The perfect crown of a perfect life

You beckon to watery steps

With an air of indifference,

Or down into the arms of earth

Where we relinquish our flimsy truths

Of the noises that were us

The stances and the spasms spent

on happenstance.

You open your legs to this.

It is your fragrance that overcomes

my weariness.

In the dream I have seen

Your lipstick is reminiscent:

The smile.

I am afraid.

Outside of myself I watch myself

In my drugged state

Tethered to another life,

A weaker life,

I shudder.

You fade, removed page by page.

Over oceans of time,

You disappear.

I am clear

And alone.

It is another day:

I watch the sun rise.

HOW IT HAPPENED

We sit in opposition
Like cars gearing up for a
Game of chicken.
The wind blusters in your
Eyes, your piano voice comes
In crystals. I feel the years
Between us that have
Fallen off, revealing a hard
Skeleton  of love in place.
But
How  we try each
Other for fault! Your vanity,
my hands cut off at
The wrist. I have no
Stomach to pick through
These remains again or retrace
Plot points on the map
To here. I see it as a
Happy accident that
We have survived
Together at all,
Certainly not any of my
Doing.  Was it the god
Of inertia who intervened,
limited horizons pressing
Against motion?
Were we not brave enough,
and if so,
Has it not taken us down
A step?
Or
Was it something else entirely,
A flame of recognition
That held a mutual gaze
And burned everything else
Away?

==========

SIGNATURE

You wait
And if it doesn’t come you wait some more,
It is something like fishing
Except you don’t do it in the sun.
It is not exactly pleasant
And it is not exactly unpleasant either
And
Why you do it
is difficult to answer.
It has something to do with compulsion
Your having to know that you can,
On that day
come up with something
That will definitely surprise you.
So you court the gods gravely and fervently
Because you know that it is not really
You at all who is going to do the work.
It is rather a chorus of Voices somewhere
Inside your nervous system
that will come to visit you,
Bringing with them words as gifts to you,
Which they offer in muffled tones or
In fits and starts, or in lengthier
Instalments that you take down
At your keyboard you hope in the right
Order.
You want to receive the message correctly
not mishear it,
And you have to learn to trust that what they tell you
Is in fact the truth because you have no way of verifying
It.
Of course there will be at some point an overseer who
tinkers and censors
And deletes
A sort of Father Figure editor
Who must get the package wrapped correctly.
But that is the easy part really because the gift is already
There,
in whole
or in part.

Later, you and others will determine whether it was
A cheap gift or an expensive one.
You will provide your signature,
The Voices will be relegated to obscurity.

But
You know in your heart that you are probably
an imposter,
At best, an interceptor,
And the Voices will not be there to either
Confirm or deny it.

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JIAN and US

Jian Ghomeshi

He looks like a sweet little immigrant,

a Pakistani boy wading through dirty water.

He smiles a lot on walls and soothes

with his ingratiating manner.

He is said to be charming to breathless women

he meets at natural food counters and less than charming to his underlings.

Known as a pop culture icon, a go-getter, or almost something.

while inside he is:

all emptiness and fury.

He must have hated his mother a lot.

Did she turn the wrong screw?

We can always trace things back to her.

Blaming the woman is the name of the game we love.

Women as punching bags is always a hoot.

She could not be one hundred percent available, perhaps.

She is, after all, the Remote One, the Castratrix.

And this is never agreeable.

Thus she must be remade, beaten into another shape.

Everyone knows that,

Everyone sees that,

Everyone always has.

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GRAVITY

Dreams never end well.

They leave with a dread at the centre of them

Or grief or insecurity as the main theme.

In the sunlight

dreams are a source of Inspiration

a wild sea

you in the boat

Heroically sailing toward the horizon

The future white and inviting.

In the landscape of  snow

Anything is possible.

The dots lay in many directions.

The human print has not yet been

Formed.

Destiny ,why have you

Let me down?

me and millions like me

Who wake each day to say’ is this all there is?’

Did we not dream loudly enough?

Or vividly

Or are dreams meant to end in shambles

You being playful again?

You are cruellest to those

To whom you grant their wishes.

And,

In the end

They realize its paltriness,

the opposite of gold.

It is perhaps impossible not to dream

But what to tell the young about you?

Nothing,

Certainly, nothing.

WHAT IS THE MYSTERY?


Write about it.

Write about what?

Find an” it” and write about it.

This is it.

Then what can we say about it?

That it’s here

Where?

Right here.

I can’t see. It’s too dark.

That’s it.

The darkness?

Yes.

What can we say about the darkness?

It’s dark.

Yes,… and?

And you don’t know where anything is.

Go on.

And It’s on my shoulder now.

Yes  It’s heavy, isn’t it

It’s gone now.

A little light, then?

Yes but it’s still hard to see.

Maybe you need glasses.

It’s possible.

Which it is it now?

There is only one it.

Darkness?

Yes.

Everything is possible in darkness.

Is it?

It is.

I see.

It’s too dark to see.

I know.

That’s it.

DREAM DENTIST

I had a broken tooth

And we were talking

About age

And you were so bashful of yours.

You always come back to me

When my face is covered.

The tinkle of ice cubes into the tall glass.

I felt my tooth recoil in back

And hide like a mouse.

But it never touched nerve.

Why do you always talk of silly things

In the midst of my chaos?

========================

NOT A LECTURE

The human mind is relentless

at what it wants to get.

When there is a pay-off, don’t worry,

It will be there in one way or another

To turn over the earth for its desired worm.

Your call will be returned.

You’ll be called “sir”

There will be bells and smiles at your command.

The whole world will tickle your fancy

Till the worm is there in the hand.

Then it will be farewell and good luck

And see you soon, maybe,

Until the next worm is wished for.

Self- interest is a funny thing

Because it makes people into things.

It makes us a hinge on the door

To someone else’s gain.

I’d rather be called something else,

Like friend.

Let’s spend some time together.

Let’s have mutual pleasure.

What’s -in it- for- me

is a nowhere strategy

That subtracts from our humanity.

Let’s be

Animals that care for each other.

Your gain is mine

Mine is ours,

A communism of the heart

In a time when the heart has become

nearly dysfunctional.

It’s possible

To transcend the fear of losing,

Being less

Because you have given.

There are just rewards before heaven.

A life of me and mine

Is less than satisfactory.

So find your generosity.

(This is not a plea from

An ad agency.)

=======================

WHY?

 

I just told someone something

I am sure will kill me.

In the end I will be dead,

But not dead enough to regret

What I said.

Yet what is the good of truth

When you come down to it?

It glares, it smashes your head against

Your most tender parts.

Its reverberations last

Well into the next dilemma.

Making enemies of even the kindest people.

 

I beg for release…

From truth.

Being ground down each new day,

Knowing it will end

End badly, probably,l

I am paralyzed and the only thing I can do

Is laugh…

And worst of alI

I have no idea

Why.

Strange sounds are the last things

I hear

And

Yes,

A groaned

“Why?”

Among these.

 

==================

L ‘WREN

L’Wren Scott

la-styliste-l-wren-scott_4858771

When the bird died

I cried

She was so long and lithe

Hung from her French door.

And the world sighed,

‘Why? She had everything.’

 

Everything is not nearly enough,

There is nowhere to go from there

No real air,

Everything marked up with checks

And squares

To convince oneself this is a life.

 

I suppose we convince ourselves,

We must. Otherwise

Hell meets us face first

To declare the worst.

How to survive?

She tried , but she

Is no longer alive.

Mort-de-L-Wren-Scott-devaste-Mick-Jagger-ecrit-Je-ne-comprends-pas_portrait_w674

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