RON’S WISDOM SALON: A fictional advice column

Dear Ron,

I have a problem that I would like to ask you about.  I have a new boyfriend and we have been together for like about  a month and a half and the thing is we never argue. Maybe people say that is a good thing, but I am kinda worried.

Is it normal to never argue?  I like a good argument. It airs things out and makes you feel light afterward. I love him (kinda) and I think we have a future together. He is likable with a good personality and he thinks about the future. He says he wants to be a serial killer someday. What would you say our chances are?

Mariko

Dear Mariko,

You have a boyfriend with whom you never argue and you wonder whether that is a problem. Well, it can be if you are the kind of person who likes to argue and he won’t engage you.  There is nothing more frustrating for an arguer who is in the mood for a good dust up than to have nobody to dust up with.

We tend to think we can always find something to disagree about with a person and then this person doesn’t take the bait. What can you do about this?

I would find out what he really doesn’t like and then go to work to provoke him about it. Go out of your way to make him miserable and angry.

The fact that he wants to be a serial killer tells you that eventually he will react in a negative way, which is just what you need.  He may even try to kill you at some point, but then you will know finally that you can be compatible.

Don’t let him kill you, of course, but explain to him that you appreciate him for conflicting with you, and then try to make it work out between you.  That seems like the only reasonable procedure.

Good luck, and I hope this helps.

Dear Ron,

I did like you said. I went into the basement room where he lives and I kinda messed up his torture kit.

This got him upset , but he he didn’t express it in an unpleasant way. He just dropped his habitual smile and explained to me quietly that he would prefer it if “you kept your paws off my equipment.” Then he offered me a glass of grape juice. I knew that I was in the wrong, so I apologized. Then we had sex. Still no real arguments though.

Mariko

Dear Mariko,

You are not taking it far enough.  You could have pushed him on the “paws” comment, angrily rebutting that “these here appendages are no paws, certainly not, they are clearly enough two human hands.” He might’ve gone for that one.

You could also have challenged him about his living quarters, berating him for living in a basement, which is just as likely to make him into a cliché in his future career. You need to pick up on anything that will push his buttons. Keep trying.

Dear Ron,

I finally hit on something that worked. He invited me to his mother’s house for dinner, and after it was all over we were walking back to his basement when I told him what a nice person his mother was.

Well, that was the wrong thing to say apparently, because he hit the ceiling, calling himself cursed for coming out of her womb, that she had made his life hell itself, and that I was just like her, that is a female. I was so happy to see him get angry that I got angry too and we spat and yelled at each other for twenty minutes. Then we had sex. So thanks for making me pursue it, Ron.

Dear Mariko,

Excellent. The point here is that everyone has an Achilles’ heel, which you obviously noticed during your walk to his basement.