RON’S WISDOM SALON: A fictional advice column

Dear Ron,
I don’t wish to be rude, but I just have to know. How often is it normal to push food out from the bottom end? In my situation, I am spending lots of time on the hoop. I go like there is no tomorrow. Even my toilet is fed up with me and wishes I would leave it alone. I got that message because it is not flushing properly and probably feels it is being overworked.  Am I overreacting?
Toilet Misery

Dear Toilet,

“Defecate” is the proper verb for the function you are referring to. Make a note of it. The words you use to describe it are excessive. Okay. Numbers? I have never pondered this question before. It does not often come up in conversation.Let me take a walk around the house and consider your inquiry.

I am back. The number I came up with is one or two, once after breakfast and possibly once after lunch.  If you are squatting more than that, chances are you are eating too many busy foods. Have yourself some rice sticks, these will keep your door solidly in place.

This should help, and if it doesn’t, see a medicine man.