For a writer, the only thing scarier than the blank page is the blank book.

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If I start from where I am I will arrive at where I’ve been.

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Think of all the time wasted thinking about wasted time.

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You would think if there really was an afterlife someone would make a long-distance call once in a whil

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I think the most accurate metaphor for life is the stationary bicycle.

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Life is like a bad party you are afraid to leave.

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Why don’t they invent an umbrella that grows out of your head so that you can never lose it?

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They should have competitions to determine who is the worst at something. It would cut down on stress.

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Fear of failure is a terrible thing. But if you already consider yourself a failure there is nothing to fear.

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How come there isn’t watermelon juice for sale? What fruit is juicier than a watermelon? Have to ask my dark friends about that.

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I don’t know what happens after we die, but I hope there is an afterlife and in this afterlife we finally find out whatever became of all these people who made a movie or two and then we never hear from them again.

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Have you noticed how dumb has become fashionable among adolescents? It is now cool to be dumb, the dumber the better. Where have we come to in civilization when the kid who can fall out of a tree gets more dates than the captain of the football team?

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Bears eat people. That’s a sad fact. I am tired of forest rangers saying it’s rare for a bear to attack a human. What good is “rare” to the guy who just got his shoulder chomped off?

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Everyone needs love. Even rapists. It is known that some rapists force their victims to say “I love you “ while they’re raping them.  That’s kinda touching when you think about it.

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The abused become the abusers. You  always hear that. Why is that? The kid getting the shit beaten out of him is thinking I just can’t wait to have kids of my own and make them swallow their own vomit.

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You always hear that we need to control our gas emissions. It’s not that easy. I wish I could control my own gas emissions.

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INSULTS. Calling a heterosexual man a cocksucker is an insult to him. But is calling a gay man a cunt-licker  an insult to him?

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Masturbation is a great activity. You don’t have to look your best. You don’t have to smell your best. And it isn’t hard to learn.

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If you ignore ignorant people, aren’t you also ignorant?

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It is possible to be on the same page but at different paragraphs.

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If you’ve ever had too much of a good thing, you always want another good thing.

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Indigestion is like there is a riot going on in your stomach. Then you burp and all of the rioters go home. The burp acts like the riot police.

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There is so much misery around that if misery loves company, it must be very happy.

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Do we keep going because we want to find out how it is going to turn out? But unlike in a movie, we already know how it’s going to turn out.

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The revised Saint James Bible. “I looked into the abyss and I saw the serpents, and I didn’t want to swim with the serpents, so I bought a swimming pool.”

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Names. Everyone wants to give a nice name to their kid. Names like Jade, Crystal, Jewel. These are pretty names but what if the person does not match up to their name. Like some female wrestler called Wispy. I think that if people don’t live up to their names they should lose them.

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My woman takes everything I say literally. No sense of irony at all. She doesn’t know the meaning of the word.  She thinks it is some kind of linguini dish.

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Girls could be mean. They would give you fake phone numbers to call them at. You’d feel so foolish when you called and it was some chicken wing place, and they would have a good laugh knowing you didn’t  like chicken.

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Start a sentence in one mood and finish it in another: “Oh, god! This is simply fan…fuckit!”

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Sad clowns are touching; happy depressed people not as touching.

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Loneliness is a horrible thing. But it just shouldn’t be that way. Nobody should have to be all alone with all the rude, hostile, ignorant people there are around.

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Everyone is happy when a baby is born, everyone except the baby.

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Watching people eat is an ugly thing. Watching them chew. Yet people generally eat with others. We even go to restaurants where we can be grossed out by a lot of different people.  I would rather meet people in a toilet.

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People always tell me I’m in denial but I don’t believe them.

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Survival, I think, is overrated.

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The educational system is a factory that manufactures idiots.

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Does time really exist or was it made up by the Swiss to sell watches?

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Sometimes you just can’t win. You can’t win by winning and you can’t win by losing. And you can’t  even win by not playing

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Maybe objects feel superior to us and have no way of showing it.

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 Laughter is an accident, two opposite ideas colliding.

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The toilet is simply the best sheat in the house.

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The perfect smell. What could be the perfect smell? Virgins on vacation, I suppose.

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Ancient man had respect for his environment. He believed everything was alive.  Does that mean he said “excuse me” to his shoe?

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The difference between comedy and tragedy. Comedy is when you fall in the sewer and tragedy is when I don’t see it happen.

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Everybody shits. Everybody! Was there ever a human born who didn’t shit? So why is it that so many people don’t give a shit? Be more generous, people!

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The  four – hour erection would definitely cut down on my smoking time.

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It’s true that the English are snobs. Notice the pronouns. Only I is capitalized. In other words, I am better than you or him or her or even me.

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Sometimes it gets hard to care. Other times it just gets hard. But not often.

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The Beatles were banned in Israel in the sixties. It was feared that they would be a bad influence on the youth of that country. That all the young people there would want to hold somebody’s hand.

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Was it with small people who have to talk real loud: “You will notice me and if you don’t I will punish you by making you go deaf!”

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Let’s tell the truth about men’s and women’s libidos? Men reach their sexual peak at 19 and women don’t get into their stride till their thirties or forties. So unless you want to hook up with a much younger guy or a much older woman both men and women are pretty much doomed to frustration. I mean how much meaner can God get?

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Tattoos. Lots of people have them today. One theory has it that it is a reaction against our sterile, overly technological environment. But one girl I know just can’t make a complete break. She got a laptop tattooed on to her stomach.

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It is true that geniuses are not always very nice people. Take Picasso. My favourite Picasso quote is one he made to his son. “I am old, you are young. I wish you were dead.” Makes you want to go right out there and see one of his paintings.

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We are really quite complicated, we human beings. On the other hand, we are like all other animals. If we aren’t either pushed or pulled, we are not going anywhere.

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It’s probably true that the world has always been a bad place. Humanity has always been degenerate. It is just that now even the degenerates are degenerating.

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Here’s an idea for a new industry : Second-hand food. If they sell second-hand cars, why can’t they sell second-hand food? Bulimics would be a good source. Puke up and make a profit. It’s all in the spirit of recycling.

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There are some things I’m not in favour of. Like telling someone to get their head out of their ass. I would much rather that the person kept their head IN their ass, at least while I was around.

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What is stress? It’s being in one place and wanting to be in another. When you get there you realize that you don’t want to be there either. So you move around until you come to the conclusion that there is nowhere that is really that great, and you relax.

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You give someone a gift because you like them. Later you find out you don’t really like them at all. Are you allowed to take back the gift? After all, they have enjoyed the gift for the period of time you thought you liked them.

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At our school, the kids are so dumb that they have dunceathons rather than marathons. Dunces rather than dances where dunces ask other dunces to dance. “Do you wanna dance, dunce?” is how they ask each other to dance.  “No, I wouldn’t dance with you if you were the last dunce on earth.”  “No chance of that happening here,” the dunce will reply. “Excellent. Let’s dunce. I mean dance. “ “Okay.” And they hop away.

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You can’t always get what you want. You don’t always want what you get. You often get what you don’t want. You sometimes get what someone else wants. You sometimes get someone else. You can’t always get what someone else wants. But You CAN always want what someone else gets.

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Why do the insane always hear voices that tell them to kill people? Why can’t they hear voices that tell them to do something nice for a change?

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A pessimist’s glass is half empty and an optimist’s glass is half full. What about the guy who has no glass?

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The other day my bank manager told me that someone wanted to steal my identity, but once he saw a picture he offered to send me a charitable donation

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Singing is better than talking. You complain to people about your life, you’re a negative whiner; you sing them a Country and Western ballad and you win a Grammy.

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 It’s important I think to always be learning.  I knew a man like that, lived to the age of 97. Every day he learned something new. Then on his death bed he realized he had forgotten everything he ever learned.

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Life is rough. But there are also small mercies. You can be wracked in pain and not know where to turn. Then you hit your head on a door knob and get amnesia.

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You get older. Inevitably there are problems.  Erection problems.  It’s sad.  But thank God there are now  pills available. I used to have to pay to have sex with other people. Now I even have to pay to have sex with myself.

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What is it with women and babies? It makes you want to put on your diapers.

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Why is life designed to be so hard? Everything is so hard. It’s like you’re failing a course you never even signed up for.